Questions

For some reasons I have days where I feel completely alone. I don't know why. I am surrounded by an amazing family and generous friends. I have a loving God who is always by my side. But lonliness creeps in. Even when I am trying to put my little ones to bed and they are crying ever so loudly.

Then there are the times when I feel as if I am put on the backburner. My selfishness arrives and reminds me of all of the things I am NOT getting. And why is it that my feelings get hurt so easily? Little things that should not matter tend to really hurt my feelings and send me into a depressive spiral.

Why would a person who has so much to be thankful for feel so sad? What is it that causes these feelings? I wish I knew so that I could stop it. I try really hard to maintain a good attitude, even when things aren't going so well. I know that my God is ever so faithful and will never let me fall. Yet I often feel as though I am falling and falling, never landing. It's not doubt or fear, simply sadness.

Often times when I face these hardships I feel like I am betraying God. I feel as though I am letting other things get in the way of my light. I KNOW God is faithful, I KNOW God will lift me up, I KNOW God is blessing me, and I KNOW God is present. Yet I still feel alone. When did our feelings become stronger than our knowledge? And how do I end this cycle?

These are other questions which plague me:

When is our selfishness justified? For example, if I really want something but getting it may cause another to miss out on something - is that ok? Am I deserved of it? (Please keep in mind I am talking about time and consideration of feelings, not material things) Is it ok for me to want to be put first, or to at least be considered in decision making - or am I supposed to continue on my "giving" path to allow others priority?

Is it ok for me to voice my concerns or should I continue to hold them in for fear of offending someone? How do I know when is the appropriate time to do so?

The other day I did something I was not proud of. I reacted to a situation in a manner that was not pleasing to God. And I got a lecture from God for about an entire day. I could feel Him telling me that there was another way to handle the situation. But for the life of me I cannot tell you what it is. I do know that I had a change of heart and have spent the last couple of days feeling love and respect for the person I offended, and looking at their side in a different light - a more appreciative one. But tonight, those negative feelings are finding their way back into my soul. How do I get rid of them? Permanently! I do not want to live in their shadow anymore. I want to be able to just let it go - literally!

For now all I can do is pray and ask God to continue to guide me and my feelings. He is the keeper of them anyway, I should just ask Him to hold on to them for me and to throw away the key. But perhaps there is another lesson to learn from all of this. I fear God has found in me a person who needs ALOT of learning opportunities - and He is gladly giving them to me! I must be on a scholarship program or something :-)

The good news is that tomorrow is another day (I'm a sucker for Scarlett) and today is over. So now I say goodnight to all of the negativity that has seeped it's ugly head into my evening and give it to God, all wrapped with a pretty bow. Even ugly things need to feel pretty sometimes.......

Thankful

To say I am thankful is an understatement. I am forever grateful for all of the gifts that have been bestowed upon me. God has truly blessed me and I feel so fortunate that He has chosen me for these gifts. I mean, who am I to deserve such blessings? Why does God consider me so special?

But that is the cool part - God considers all of us special. And here's the kicker....for no apparent reason. Just because. How awesome is that? All we have to do is accept Him and love Him, and trust Him, and seek Him. That's it! The price has been paid.

God has decided that we are each worth His love and grace. I love it! And I love Him.....thank you Lord for each and every one of my blessings, I count them everyday!!!!!

Giving back to God....

Children are such a blessing from God! And like God, mine continue to amaze me daily. There are days when I ache for them, I feel so disappointed in myself because I can't be there ALL the time (at least when I feel they need me the most, or I need them!) I can feel my heart being torn in half, only to be whole again when I am reunited with them. Especially on trying days! Oh and the guilt. How many times do I go through my day consumed with my work and not having them on the top of my list at a given moment - only to find out that they had a bad day! While my baby was crying and upset, I was thinking about other things. And I ask God "Why must I be away from them?" His answer...."Because other people need you, I need you to be there for others". I have to trust that this is His will. He has provided me with caregivers for my children to take care of the aches and pains throughout the day so that I can be available to help others see Him. And while I love what I do and feel it is my calling, I can't help but feel guilty for not being available to my children 24/7.

But my angels always seem to know just what I need and when I need it. Regardless of how bad or stressful my day was, all I need is to see their beautiful smiles and feel their little arms wrap around my neck. And I know they are happy! And God is taking care of them, just as he takes care of me.

In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah prays for a child. The Lord blesses her with a son, Samuel. "So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the LORD for him.' When the man Elkanah went up with all his family to offer the annual sacrifice to the LORD and to fulfill his vow, Hannah did not go. She said to her husband, "After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the LORD, and he will live there always." (1 Samuel 1:20-22) Hannah literally gave her son, the one she longed for and prayed for, back to God. There Samuel led loved the Lord and followed him faithfully. I have often thought of this story and wondered if I would have the courage to give my son away to God. To be away from him day in and day out, to miss his life, and to not be able to tuck him in at night. I selfishly have to say that I sometimes doubt that I would be able to do so.

Over that last few months I have had to cope with significant amounts of fear and anxiety. I have become an extremely fearful person, almost paranoid of the dangers of the world and am consumed by worry about what may happen to me or my family at any given moment. I fear that if I do not get control of this situation that I could easily become a permanent hermit! I joke about this, but the thought does linger in the back of my mind.

At any rate, I digress. It has been during this time that I have developed an overwhelming fear of something happening to one of my children. I hold on to them dearly and am rarely away from them, with the exception of work. God has blessed me with two precious and beautiful children, but I must also tell you that God also blessed me with three other cherished gifts. However, He needed them in heaven before they were born. I suffered my first miscarriage before my oldest child and the other two before my youngest child. These three losses have truly shaped who I am as a mother.

Again, I digress.....One day I was thinking of Hannah (see I do have a point here:) and the sacrifice she made of her son. As I was pondering what a brave soul she was, I realized that I too have given three of my children back to the Lord. Though I didn't do it of my own accord as Hannah, I did it willingly and trusted God with them. And though my two blessings on earth are with me, I give them to the Lord on a daily basis. I trust that when I am not with them, He is there to protect them. And that when I am with them, He is still there to watch over us.

So I am learning to let go of my fears and to trust in God. For He will be there to lead us out of that dreary darkness and into His light. Lovingly, compassionately, gently, and openly. All we have to do is take His hand!

Faithful

To say that I have been busy is an understatement. I decided to take a break from blogging due to so many things going on in my life. God has been doing some major transformations in my life. And though I am truly thankful for them - I am also truly exhausted from them. I have been flooded with emotions - good and bad. Even during the bad times, God has remained faithful and has held me up. Therefore, I have remained faithful - even when I thought I was going to fall over at any minute.

The last 2 years have been the most difficult of my entire life. I have endured many many hardships, heartbreaks, and heartaches! But through it all God has shown me the way - His way. He has brought me here today to testify and to give Him the glory that is due Him. Thank you Heavenly Father! By your grace I am saved - and healing.

Part of my journey has included self-exploration. And in doing so I have learned that I am weak, broken, and scared. I am fighting with everything I have but at times I feel so defeated. Unable to carrry on. And as I lay weeping on my knees, God lifted me in ways only He can! I have had more "God" moments in the last few months than I ever knew could exist for one person. And everytime one of those moments occurs I am filled with the most wonderful sense of peace and comfort. God is here - always!

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God,the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; (Isaiah 43:2,3b)

I recenly read the above scripture and it truly spoke to me. I have been through the waters, the rivers, and the fire. And I have prevailed - with God's guidance and help. I am learning to trust completely and to let go. These are not easy tasks for me, but necessary if I am going to find my way in this world and carry out God's plan for me.

God is real, he is true, and he is faithful. This I know for certain. And even though I am afraid and uncertain in my decisions, I am certain that my decisions are guided by God and I must trust him completely with no second-guessing. He is my Savior - and by his grace I am saved!

Not Me Monday

In following with MckMamma's Not Me tradition, let me just tell you what I didn't do this week:

I did not drive my child to daycare only to find when we got there that he had no shoes on. Not on your life, how could an organized person like myself do such a thing! Completely absurd!

I did not bribe my child with pizza in order to get him out of bed early. Why on earth would I give my child such junk food, especially as a bribe, when I know he is a growing boy and needs his sleep. I cannot believe some parents!

I did not give in to my temptation and eat cookie dough, especially after I woke up early to exercise this morning. I mean, why would I negate the good I did at 6:30 am for some cookie dough - talk about a wasted effort!

I hope you all had a great week NOT doing anything too!

1 Corinthians 1:25

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

As I was doing my daily reading this morning, God brought me to this verse. It struck such a cord with me - such a simple reminder that we should NEVER doubt our ever faithful Savior. Hope it brightens your day as much as it did mine!

Quotable Sunday

"PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

This song means so much to me. I can feel God speak to me each time I hear it. Over the last 3 1/2 years I have endured incredible loss, heartache, and hardship. The only way I have survived is by God's grace. He has showed me time and time again that He is the way and all I have to do is lean on Him. It is amazing how in our most troubling times we can always look to God and praise Him. Not necessarily for the grief, but for the grace and mercy He has given us to survive and to move forward. I thank God daily for the ability He has given me to get out of bed everyday and to live.

I often joke that I'm in "survival mode" due to my hectic schedule with two very active little ones. But in reality, that is exactly where I am on some days. But God always comes through and gives that me that little "something" that I need to make it through. He is an amazing God and I am so grateful that He is my Savior!